Sol Y Sombra

Current System Configuration: Fatigued Slacker
BGM: Anthem Apocalyptica by Machinae Supremacy. Dark, sombre and burdening. Check out Machinae Supremacy's site. I don't usually listen to plain rock, and many of these songs aren't very wholesome, but some of their instrumentals are really good. Anthem Apocalyptica is my favorite.
Breakfast: A few slices of monggo bread
Lunch: Salad and cream of corn soup
Dinner: Don't know. Probably more of the same.

I promised that I would keep this blog as angst-free as possible, but right now it doesn't seem to be feasible. I have to say these things lest they get impacted in my soul. I've always wanted to open up to others and share what I am, what I feel, and most importantly, what I believe in, but I've always felt so insecure, so afraid of the prospect of stepping out onto the water and approaching my Lord, who stands in the middle of the turbulent water, calling gently out to me. I've been unable to share who I really am, let alone what I believe in and claim to live for.

I'm a coward.

That's right. The Great Commission says "Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit..." (Matthew 28:19)
Jesus Himself said this, and yet I have been unable to go, let alone make disciples.

On top of that I've continued to commit indiscretions that are not befitting of what I claim to be. I can't go into detail as to what these are, but I guess every guy out there knows how I feel. Some guys really don't want to do these kinds of things but end up doing them anyway, some feel that these acts are normal and even brag about them, thinking that they're more "macho" than those who don't like doing it. No matter how many times I promise not to do it again, it keeps happening.

I don't know why I do it. I'm not looking for a justification, but rather a rationale behind this recurring bad habit. Most of the time it's because I think I'm lonely---but after this happens, I feel even lonelier, having been sucked into a counterfeit, spiritually fraudulent act that gives no real pleasure, only an echoing, painful emptiness. I still have to stop.

Bear with me now, I'm about to pray. Maybe this prayer will touch your heart, maybe it will disgust you. It may give you peace, or it may piss you off. All I know is that after I prayed this prayer, I just felt so much better. I earnestly hope that you feel the same way too.

Oh Father, I feel terrible. I've done many things that were not pleasing to you, and my heart has not sought you. I thought I've learned to love and be tender to other people, but all of that seems to have vanished now. All I've been doing is taking the people around me for granted, treating them like something I don't appreciate. You've given me so many wonderful gifts and yet I've done nothing to use them properly. All I think about is my own pleasure.
It just seems so pathetic that I've been claiming to be some bigshot, bragging about my knowledge and my credentials to my students, being high and mighty, forgetting all my friendliness toward them and being a jerk to them instead. I've snapped at my mother, my grandmother, and fouled whatever images I have of the girl that I love. It's awful, and whatever semblance of self-confidence in my own righteousness has disintegrated, collapsing in on itself like a house of cards set on fire.
I want to change. I need to. Oh Lord, in spite of all this, you loved me and continue to do so. You said you'd never leave me---and 2000 years ago, on that dark and terrible day when you hung from that cruel cross that I nailed you to---you looked lovingly into the future, into my time, and saw me.
And you loved me.
You saw this little baby being formed in his mother's womb, and you loved me. You saw the wicked things I was going to do, the selfish things, the things that hurt you. With every surge of false, selfish pleasure that I felt, you felt the pain of the consequence. With every sin I drove those nails into your wrists and feet, those thorns into your brow, and that lance into your heart. I tried to kill God, thrusting Him out of my life, and He lovingly complied. But I could not kill Him---He laid down His life of his own accord, so that I wouldn't need to pay with mine. He took away the barrier of sin that I had placed between us, and reached out across the void toward me.
You Oh Lord, despite the things that I had done, reached out and showed me that you loved me. All you asked from me is that I accept your gift, and nothing more.
So make me new, O God, change me. Make me what you want me to be. Make my life worth living again. I want your grace to just overcome my evil. Make me yours. I am yours. I want to follow you. Please, hear me, through your Son Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, Amen.

I'm not pure or holy by myself. I'm only a sinner saved by grace. That purification is up to God, and He has done it through the cross. All Christians should remember where they came from, because we aren't any better than anyone else. But I have to say this or I reject what I am---my God is real. He is alive, and He alone is alive. That's the only thing I can claim. I don't want to be judgmental---I'm judgmental enough against myself. But I know that there's only one way. I'm intent on following it.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -2 Corinthians 5:17