もはや時がない

Current System Configuration: Back to work. Work work work~
BGM: For My Pride by Spirit Level. The second ending theme of the Shadow Skill anime series. Soaring, epic and mighty.
Breakfast: Sausages, scrambled eggs and rice.
Lunch: Beef with bellpeppers, fish fillet and rice.
Dinner: Jollibee Double TLC Yum and Jolly Hotdog. (was hungry on the way home from Subic.)

"Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He was robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars. He was holding a little scroll, which lay open in his hand. He planted his right foot on the sea and his left foot on the land, and he gave a loud shout like the roar of a lion...And he swore by Him who lives forever and ever, who created the heavens and all that is in them, the earth and all that is in it, and the sea and all that is in it, and said, "THERE WILL BE NO MORE DELAY!""

-Revelation 10:1-3,6

It's been quite a while since I last updated, and I apologize for that. Lots of deadlines at work, but that's all done. I just came back from a rather large singles' retreat at Subic, and I learned a lot of stuff. The crux of what I'm writing today is mostly based on the message that I felt had the most impact on me.

I've been a Christian for quite a while. I met the Lord in the summer of 1997, so that makes it about 8 years already. I was quite active for a while, but recently, an unholy alliance of certain bad elements has been plaguing me. Of course, I'm ultimately to blame because I let it overtake me. But now, I think it's about time I returned to what I used to be.

The last talk in our retreat was given by Pastor Nathan Leigh, who (like all of CCF's pastors) is an incredibly cool guy---generally funny, but serious when it counts. He spoke on the topic of one's life mission, and while a large bulk of this blog's readers are young adolescents, I think it might be a good idea for them to start thinking about this too.

A lot of people go through life thinking they have faith when in truth all they have is religion. What's the difference? Religion is simply a set of rules that you follow, a bunch of rituals that you perform, which is more often than not separate from one's daily lifestyle. It's a cultural, official thing (what you have written on paper) and is so separate from your life that often calling yourself by your religion's name is hypocritical. Many people, especially in the Philippines, have this. But what I see that many people unfortunately lack is faith.

Faith is something else altogether. It's something you actually live for, something that affects the way you walk and talk and deal with people--especially in adverse circumstances. For the longest time, the faith that I have took the back seat to a farce that I put up with just for the sake of feeling good. The Christ who I loved and served simply became a distant, impersonal watcher who I only turned to when I felt bad. This was not His fault, but mine. I was too caught up in my little "harmless" habits, in my computer gaming and everything else that I spent too much time with. I tried to justify this by saying "I deserved it" and that I needed the rest after all the stress of my job, among others. But it was a lie. I was trying to restore my strength with something that ultimately just sapped it even more. I slipped and fell so many times within the past few years because of this. It's only by God's grace that I've actually been able to keep standing up and running forward. You could say that I was running but not looking at the path---hence my constant stumbling.

Pastor Nathan only gave a few simple points about a purposeful life:
-It gives you a sense of power when you surrender your life to Christ. Amazing things happen when you boldly do what he wants you to do. It's been a while since I really saw this happening in my life because of my blindness. But I know that as I recommit, I'm going to see this again.
-It gives you a sense of urgency when you surrender in love to Christ's mission. When you're really intent on showing the love of Christ to others, then you'll feel that this command is urgent. It isn't something that comes and goes---it's the actual purpose of your life. I have to admit I'm weakest in this part. I've had great difficulty talking about the Gospel in public, which is why I'm resorting to online mediums for now. Of course the most meaningful way to share it is in a face-to-face encounter, and while I haven't been very keen on that, I know God's working on me.
-It gives you a sense of responsibility---a surrender of rights. I'm also pretty weak in this area. I often find myself scheming how to tear some thug's guts out should I encounter one on the way home from school. (Car broke down, so I have to walk. Good exercise if not for the pollution) I often feel that I have the right to kill someone because he threatens my own right to life. But with this sense of responsibility---realization that I call myself a Christian and should act like one---I have to overhaul this automatic defense mechanism that seems to work every time I'm in a dark and freakish place. But I can see that God's working---as I walked home from the bus stop today, I managed to get rid of the "I'll use my duffel bag to deflect the knife when he lunges, then I'll throttle him with it and stab him" mentality and instead let God's presence comfort me and His bodyguards do the protection. I managed to walk home safely. Of course this doesn't mean I'm suddenly a pansy pushover---it simply means that I'm more secure in the way I act and sure of how I should move in times of trouble.
-Lastly, it gives you a sense of enlightenment---a surrender of ego. Knowing the truth doesn't mean you can laugh at other people and mock them. A lot of times I come off as a know-it-all, but does all that matter? How can I do all the above if I'm showing people how much of a jerk I am? I don't often think "I'm a Christian and you're not, so you SUCK," but I often think that others are really quite dense. I guess it's a subliminal part of my training as an Ateneo student, to see others as intellectually inferior. It's probably one of the worst things to teach students to think, but it happens anyway. Nevertheless, giving up the ego is something practically all men struggle with, whether they admit it or not.

And so I've got a whole lot of things to work on in my life---rather, God has a whole lot of things to work on in my life. It's easy to think that the more bad things that I have in my life, the harder God will have to work on me. But I think a better way of thinking would be "I have so much trash in my life, I look forward to how God will make it all useful for Him. I look forward to seeing how he'll actually pull it off."

Easier said than done. The Christian life has often been seen as a very complicated and unwieldy mess of theology and rules and regulations, but it's actually a very, very, simple thing. Show Christ's love by obeying Him.

Simple, yes. I didn't say it wasn't hard. Jesus never said it was easy either. We often complicate things so that we can give more excuses, as Pastor Nathan said in a previous talk. When it's simple, it's a lot harder to do because we have no excuses, no way of weaseling out.

And so it boils down to a certain decision I've made, which I believe will be the first of several decisions that I'll be making within the next few months. I've decided to step down as Administrator of the SimChamber.

It's not because I can't stand the nagging, not because of some fight. I just think that I've been clinging onto this position for the wrong reasons, and that it compromises the time that I SHOULD be spending with my God. There are disciplines I want to develop, and I know that God won't help me if I don't give Him the time that He's due. If I spend my time arguing about rules and mechanics, then what good will I get from that? I'm done with that administrator position.

I want that sense of Your presence back, O God. I don't want to live this farce anymore. There's a lot that has to be done in my life, and so a lot of sacrifices have to be made. But Abraham only truly saw the extent of Your love when he went out in faith to sacrifice his own son. The blessing comes after the sacrifices are made. This is the first one, and I know that You are pleased.

There will be no more delay. I can't let my weakness keep me from shirking this responsibility.

闇と光

Current System Configuration: Trying to accept the fact that vacation is about to end
BGM: FOREVER AND EVER by JAM Project. The ending theme of Super Robot Wars Alpha 2. A passionate yet mellow rock ballad.
Breakfast: Raisin bread and tuna mechado
Lunch: Home-made waffledogs
Dinner: Baked ziti and cheese pizza at Sbarro (was hungry)

"Light creates shadow, light destroys shadow. Such is the transience of darkness."

This profound quote was taken from---believe it or not, a Magic: The Gathering card. (Shadowbane from the Mirage expansion, way back in the late '90s) Nevertheless, it echoes very well how I feel the events of this week have transpired.

My last post here was full of angst and bitterness. Of course, I'm a human being---we all feel that way one time or another. But the prayer that I said was answered. Very clearly.

Instead of getting into the details of how it happened, I think it's just best to say what I think God said to me through His word in a Soul Stop meeting in church just a few hours ago. (Soul Stop is a college/fresh grad fellowship activity our church has every Friday night, see the JZone site in my link bar for details) Instead of blabbing too much about what I think, this time it's best to let the Word do the talking.

Where is God when it hurts?

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, thought the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. / There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress./
Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations He has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire. Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress." --Psalm 46

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn..." ---Isaiah 61:1,2

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." --Psalm 126:5-6

I guess the most comforting fact of all is that Jesus Himself felt lonely. On that day, 2000 years ago, He hung on a cross, taking the world's sin upon Himself, and at that time, for the first time in all of eternity, the Father turned His back on the Son.

"Eloi, eloi! Lama sabachtani!"

"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." --Revelation 21:3-4

People invariable shun the book of Revelation for its dark and often confusing images--demonic horsemen, legions of abyssal locusts, the Beast out of the sea, the Beast out of the earth, and the Great Red Dragon himself--so much so that they never get to see the wonders at the very end.

The same is true for our lives. Most of the time we stay caught up in the present, mulling over our pathetic circumstances. There's nothing wrong with admitting that we live in a messed-up state---as long as we see how it can make us better people. Many people see darkness as a force opposed to light. I don't see it this way. I see darkness as an absence of light---just as cold is an absence of heat. You don't measure darkness---you only measure light. We don't measure coldness, we measure the lack of heat on the scale that we use to measure heat.

Evil does not balance with good. Good is far more complex than simple justice or mercy. Good has to balance between its own parts. It's when that balance is upset or removed altogether that evil appears--not as a malevolent monster, but as a cold, empty void. The devil is not the opposite of God. He's an insignificant speck who will get his due someday. God is absolute. Satan is not.

At the end of it all, good wins. Light creates shadow, light destroys shadow. It just falls upon us to see that light---to seek it. Yeah, this world is messed up, alright. But it's not going to be that way forever.

Sol Y Sombra

Current System Configuration: Fatigued Slacker
BGM: Anthem Apocalyptica by Machinae Supremacy. Dark, sombre and burdening. Check out Machinae Supremacy's site. I don't usually listen to plain rock, and many of these songs aren't very wholesome, but some of their instrumentals are really good. Anthem Apocalyptica is my favorite.
Breakfast: A few slices of monggo bread
Lunch: Salad and cream of corn soup
Dinner: Don't know. Probably more of the same.

I promised that I would keep this blog as angst-free as possible, but right now it doesn't seem to be feasible. I have to say these things lest they get impacted in my soul. I've always wanted to open up to others and share what I am, what I feel, and most importantly, what I believe in, but I've always felt so insecure, so afraid of the prospect of stepping out onto the water and approaching my Lord, who stands in the middle of the turbulent water, calling gently out to me. I've been unable to share who I really am, let alone what I believe in and claim to live for.

I'm a coward.

That's right. The Great Commission says "Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit..." (Matthew 28:19)
Jesus Himself said this, and yet I have been unable to go, let alone make disciples.

On top of that I've continued to commit indiscretions that are not befitting of what I claim to be. I can't go into detail as to what these are, but I guess every guy out there knows how I feel. Some guys really don't want to do these kinds of things but end up doing them anyway, some feel that these acts are normal and even brag about them, thinking that they're more "macho" than those who don't like doing it. No matter how many times I promise not to do it again, it keeps happening.

I don't know why I do it. I'm not looking for a justification, but rather a rationale behind this recurring bad habit. Most of the time it's because I think I'm lonely---but after this happens, I feel even lonelier, having been sucked into a counterfeit, spiritually fraudulent act that gives no real pleasure, only an echoing, painful emptiness. I still have to stop.

Bear with me now, I'm about to pray. Maybe this prayer will touch your heart, maybe it will disgust you. It may give you peace, or it may piss you off. All I know is that after I prayed this prayer, I just felt so much better. I earnestly hope that you feel the same way too.

Oh Father, I feel terrible. I've done many things that were not pleasing to you, and my heart has not sought you. I thought I've learned to love and be tender to other people, but all of that seems to have vanished now. All I've been doing is taking the people around me for granted, treating them like something I don't appreciate. You've given me so many wonderful gifts and yet I've done nothing to use them properly. All I think about is my own pleasure.
It just seems so pathetic that I've been claiming to be some bigshot, bragging about my knowledge and my credentials to my students, being high and mighty, forgetting all my friendliness toward them and being a jerk to them instead. I've snapped at my mother, my grandmother, and fouled whatever images I have of the girl that I love. It's awful, and whatever semblance of self-confidence in my own righteousness has disintegrated, collapsing in on itself like a house of cards set on fire.
I want to change. I need to. Oh Lord, in spite of all this, you loved me and continue to do so. You said you'd never leave me---and 2000 years ago, on that dark and terrible day when you hung from that cruel cross that I nailed you to---you looked lovingly into the future, into my time, and saw me.
And you loved me.
You saw this little baby being formed in his mother's womb, and you loved me. You saw the wicked things I was going to do, the selfish things, the things that hurt you. With every surge of false, selfish pleasure that I felt, you felt the pain of the consequence. With every sin I drove those nails into your wrists and feet, those thorns into your brow, and that lance into your heart. I tried to kill God, thrusting Him out of my life, and He lovingly complied. But I could not kill Him---He laid down His life of his own accord, so that I wouldn't need to pay with mine. He took away the barrier of sin that I had placed between us, and reached out across the void toward me.
You Oh Lord, despite the things that I had done, reached out and showed me that you loved me. All you asked from me is that I accept your gift, and nothing more.
So make me new, O God, change me. Make me what you want me to be. Make my life worth living again. I want your grace to just overcome my evil. Make me yours. I am yours. I want to follow you. Please, hear me, through your Son Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, Amen.

I'm not pure or holy by myself. I'm only a sinner saved by grace. That purification is up to God, and He has done it through the cross. All Christians should remember where they came from, because we aren't any better than anyone else. But I have to say this or I reject what I am---my God is real. He is alive, and He alone is alive. That's the only thing I can claim. I don't want to be judgmental---I'm judgmental enough against myself. But I know that there's only one way. I'm intent on following it.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -2 Corinthians 5:17